2018 in review !
- Wow, it’s a journey watching my last year unfold in my fb memories. I've tried time and time again to put 2018 into words. So, Instead of writing some fancy post we will settle for bullet points.
•PPD is so real !! So so fucking real!!! If you’re struggling or even think you might be please don’t EVER hesitate to reach out. 💖 (I know it’s easier said than done) ☀️there is a light at the end of what feels like an endless tunnel.
•I’ve never been more broken than in 2018! ✨Now I’m stronger than ever & only growing stronger every day !!
Living a neutral / passive life for majority of my life served me at the time & I was able to keep my peace, until it came to knowing what I stand for.
What are my core values, my strengths, my motives, my whys... If I'm being honest with myself - I had no idea.
The foundation I had built was shook. And because I didn’t have my own solid foundation I didn’t know what or where to start building because my life was focused around making sure everyone was happy, healthy & taken care of. Being outward focused is great, but only if we are solid internally. We can't pour from an empty cup.
Once my foundation crumbled and I lost my shit (that’s putting it nicely) I had nothing to build on so I felt lost, hopeless & alone.
And in many ways - I was.
It was a necessary part of what was next to come.
The magic I have created in the last year wouldn’t have been possible with the foundation that I had previously built on.
———2018 in a nutshell ——
Jan. 2018 - welcome Baby Adala / Nixx had the flu 😷 when we come home. This brought it's own set of unique challenges & emotions.
Feb./March 2018 - just trying to survive. Literally.
I was simply trying to getting anything right. I was working within 7 days of having an emergency c Section, trying to keep a relationship strong, nurture my oldest, care for my baby, remind the older oldest (zehn) that’s he’s not forgotten because his dad has a new baby, trying to keep everything together and constantly putting myself last (if ever). Many midnight baths spent crying, planning how I can do things different, contemplating what I could do better, reminding myself that "this too shall pass".
April 2018 - I lost it. My relationship was clearly coming to an end which felt heartbreaking & relieving all at once because it was going to be less to “manage”.
I left town for a couple of weeks with the kiddos. I went to grandmas house down south & stayed with my mom who was sober for the first time in years! This was a miracle. I honestly cannot even begin to thank her enough for
showing up when she did !!! 😭 I didn’t talk to anyone else but her for weeks. And much of the time was spent in silence.
I came back home for 1 night - I experienced my first ever panic attack (insert all of the bad words here 😉 because that’s HORRIBLE !! And scary feeling !!!)
My friend brought me tacos at midnight and checked on me & I left town again first thing in the morning.
Energetically my house was SO heavy that I couldn’t even be in it anymore.
*photo- night of my panic attack- I was frozen. After an hour I found the strength to feed my baby & make a bed on the floor in my daughters room with Nixx & Adala)
May 2018- my mom unexpectedly moved in with us. This was a blessing in disguise.
June 2018 - 1 night Zo & I both snapped. No discussion was needed at this point. We both knew. We could no longer share space like we had for 4 precious years (Auto corrected previous to precious — seems suitable).
June- Oct. 2018 - we could hardly speak civilly. Although I never once spoke badly about him.
I was hurt.
He was angry.
We dealt with our pain different - bottom line. For months I was speechless. To this day, I have a hard time putting into words the feeling, the anger, the hurt, the sadness, the confusion and the disbelief that I experienced over these 4 months.
Nov - Dec 2018 We began revisiting the POSSIBILITY of a relationship together again.
December 2018 we went to our first counseling appointment. HELLO 2019 !
January 2019- was taken very slowly. Lots of big conversations.
Feb 2019 - we recommitted ourselves to one another. Zo gave me a book of photos & memories with love letters on each page. This is something I asked for throughout our relationship. Pictures and love letters are so meaningful to me. He also gave me a dozen roses for the first time in our relationship (:
March 2019- lots of reflection happening, finding our new balance & I am continuing to build my own solid foundation as he is doing the same for himself.
April 2019 - we will be celebrating 5 years together 🎉
We continue to build our own businesses
(I am now a silent partner in VibeBottle - I sold majority of my shares to someone that can give it the love & attention that I no longer desired to offer; this was HUGE because Vibe Bottle was my baby at my one point. We continue to go to counseling, I am apart of 2 incredible coaching programs #omegacode #femininebrilliancemasterclass , we continue loving and nurturing our children differently than before, we continue to love separately & it's all coming together beautifully.
We are rewriting our story! The first four chapters are wonderful, but boy am I excited for the next four !
Magic is real.
Thank you for everyone who had loved & supported EACH of us on our journeys.
Whether hurtful things be said, silence was had, anger was expressed or sadness took over!
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
Honor the journey #barefootbrinlie