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To My Younger Self

Updated: Jul 23, 2020

Forgive the 16 year old girl that was lost & lonely.

The girl that was smoking weed out of a can in the back seat of a car on a dirt road.

Forgive the girl that felt scared when she was put in uncomfortable situations that she didn't know how to handle.

Just forgive her.

She was doing her best. I’d been uprooted once again & now I was trying to grasp onto anything that I had control over.

Of course, I didn't realize this at the time.

Forgive your inner teenager. The girl that was a little too crazy, reckless & free in her own trap.

A trap she created herself. As long as I was surrounded by people I was OK. "only party with people you trust"

"limit house parties to my house & 2 others"

"Don't ever drink and drive" "Limit yourself to smoking weed & drinking alcohol" I had rules for myself.

And because of my rules I felt responsible, but still fun.

This felt safe.

Forgive the girl that was either wasted or stoned long enough to confuse what day it was. Is it Tuesday or is it Saturday? I had this thought more than once. The days of the week no longer mattered. I had a boss that was cool if I was hungover at work. I'd smoke weed on my lunch breaks and I was always late. I had nobody holding me accountable and I surely wasn't doing it myself.

Forgive the girl that celebrated by forgetting the memories being made.

Forgive the girl that was just doing her best with what she knew.

Moving from Utah to Texas with my little boy.

Just me, him & the world <3

I didn't have a long term plan; I was simply surviving.

Forgive the girl that felt like she failed over & over again.

And when you feel like you cant forgive- find gratitude.

Find gratitude.

Be grateful for the girl that failed, celebrated, drank away the days, woke up hungover & mastered survival mode.

Forgive the functional alcoholic that felt like she was living her best life.

Because this is the life that would lead to where I am now. For each day I drank, I am grateful. For each move I made, I am grateful. For each bowl I smoked, I am grateful. For each friend I lost, I am grateful.

For each time I was arrested, I am grateful.

When we can find forgiveness and gratitude in the midst of chaos is when we can create something new for ourselves.

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